Phrase by 'Tom Segura'
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If you're going to wear a cowboy hat, you're going to have to go all the way. You should have livestock around you, settle all of your disputes with a pistol, and ride a horse absolutely everywhere.
Author: Tom Segura - American ComedianYou , Ride , Hat , Horse
I would trade 20 white babies for an Asian baby. If I'm ever rich, I want a closet full of Asian babies. And I'll just pull them out whenever I'm feeling down, you know? All kinds. Korean ones. Chinese ones. Vietnamese - not so much. My dad was in the war, and I hold a grudge.
Author: Tom Segura - American ComedianYou , War , Feeling , White
It's okay for me to make jokes about disabled people and people with horrible diseases because they make me uncomfortable, and I don't want to be like them.
Author: Tom Segura - American ComedianMe , People , Want , Okay
I don't want to lose weight to live long or be healthy. I just want to be able to make fun of fat people again and know for sure that they're fatter than me.
Author: Tom Segura - American ComedianMe , People , Long , Fat
I like my shame straight up and honest, and nobody does it better than In-N-Out Burger. You go to In-N-Out Burger, and they ask you the most shameful question in fast food. 'I'll have a burger, fries and a Coke.' 'Will you be eating in the car?' 'Yeah. I think so.'
Author: Tom Segura - American ComedianYou , Car , Food , Eating
I always like it when I eat myself out of breath. That's a good boost to my day. You know, I'm eating, and I go, 'Oooohhh.' It's better a few moments later when you get to think about it, when you're like, 'Why did I just stop to take a deep breath? Oh yeah, my body also needs air.'
Author: Tom Segura - American ComedianYou , Myself , Day , Good
I'm a sarcastic, observational storyteller.
Author: Tom Segura - American ComedianSarcastic , Storyteller , Observational
I'm definitely a jaded traveler, but you try to make the best of what you know about the experience. Like, I know how to pack a bag. I know that checking a bag is for rookies.
Author: Tom Segura - American ComedianYou , Best , Experience , Bag
I think I'm a decent person.
Author: Tom Segura - American ComedianThink , I Think , Person , Decent
I think, to be a great conversationalist, you need to be interested in being in said conversation. Oddly enough, I think you need to be a great listener, and I do think I'm a good listener. I think that's my asset - I always listen to people when I talk to them, and that's a big thing you have to have in life and in podcasts.
Author: Tom Segura - American ComedianLife , You , People , Good
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