Phrase by 'Emo Philips'

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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Author: Emo Philips - American Comedian
  Myself , Never , Reason , Classmates


When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Author: Emo Philips - American Comedian
  Me , Work , Night , Forgiveness


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Author: Emo Philips - American Comedian


How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Author: Emo Philips - American Comedian
  People , Here , How , Funny


I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Author: Emo Philips - American Comedian
  Beer , Quite , Getting , Bar


I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

Author: Emo Philips - American Comedian


The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

Author: Emo Philips - American Comedian
  Understand , Way , Office , Evil


You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

Author: Emo Philips - American Comedian
  Life , Day , Good , Woman


I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

Author: Emo Philips - American Comedian
  Love , Know , Children , Down


Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

Author: Emo Philips - American Comedian
  Life , Family , Day , Good


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