Phrase by 'Emo Philips'
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
Author: Emo Philips - American ComedianMyself , Never , Reason , Classmates
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Author: Emo Philips - American ComedianMe , Work , Night , Forgiveness
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Author: Emo Philips - American ComedianHow many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Author: Emo Philips - American ComedianPeople , Here , How , Funny
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
Author: Emo Philips - American ComedianBeer , Quite , Getting , Bar
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
Author: Emo Philips - American ComedianUnderstand , Way , Office , Evil
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Author: Emo Philips - American ComedianLife , Day , Good , Woman
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
Author: Emo Philips - American ComedianLove , Know , Children , Down
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
Author: Emo Philips - American ComedianLife , Family , Day , Good